Crisis of Faith
For the past several months, I have wallowed in some self-pity, some self-doubt and lots of confusion. I have felt paranoia, anxiety and depression. I have so many things for which I am thankful, but a couple of things that simply feel wrong. I have abandoned friends and felt abandoned by friends as well. My job is treating me well but it’s not what I want to do. It’s not what I came to New York to do and it’s not fulfilling. Scratch that—the job is not treating me well. Getting out of bed and going to work literally brings tears to my eyes more often than not. My advice to myself would be to stop complaining and get a new job. I am working on that. In fact, unless you are the Good Nurse, this is the first you have heard my complaints. So far in the past 12 months, I have withdrawn from 5 potential jobs or job offers and been turned down for 3 jobs. Some of the opportunities I have turned down would have required a move. That is just not feasible at this time, both for emotional reasons and pragmatic reasons. I keep second-guessing myself about the decisions I have made. Did my emotions cloud my judgment? Can the pragmatic be overcome?
Last year, I also began doing what I grew up doing—praying. For months I prayed more than I ever have in my life. I kept thanking the Lord for my health, for my loved ones (my greatest blessing) and that I am not homeless or hungry. I also kept asking the Lord for guidance and direction and just one opportunity for a more fulfilling job here in New York City. I promised God in prayer that I would work on being a better person. It seemed that my prayers were useless. Though I have long believed in my heart, after careful reading of the Bible, that homosexuality is not a sin, I examined that question again and wondered if my beliefs are wrong about that. Would that cause God to ignore my prayers? Would trying to be straight change things? (That examination resulted in the conclusion, again, that homosexuality is not a sin.) I even promised that I would stop buying lottery tickets (gambling is a sin, you know). Then I had a Crisis of Faith. I decided to cast caution to the wind. I bought a lottery ticket on a recent Sunday. It was the first time I had bought a lottery ticket in months. I bought another the Saturday following. And another the day after. I felt abandoned by my Lord. I suppose my behavior toward God since the crisis began led me to lash out like a child might do to get his parents’ attention. Yes, I was pouting.
But as the Bible teaches us to do, I am now making my public confession. My transgressions far outnumber buying lottery tickets, though. That is just an example. I have sinned against God and trespassed against others. God has forgiven me because I have asked and His promise is that He forgives. Now I must hope that those here on earth whom I have trespassed against also forgive me.
My mother and many in my family have told me that whatever it is I am seeking, God would provide—in His time. Many in my family have also told me that they continue to pray for me. Why is prayer failing this time? Not counting my prayers, why is God also ignoring all these other people who lead lives that are far more righteous than mine? Why am I missing the simplest of things my heart desires while seeing those same blessings given to others in overwhelming amounts, even those who don't ask? It makes me a little jealous, I confess—which is another sin, of course. I am not greedy, though. I don’t ask to be a millionaire. I just want to pay my bills, enjoy going to work, and share joyous times with loved ones.
I have since returned to prayer, praying even more than I did before my Crisis of Faith. I have only articulated my thoughts about my Crisis of Faith to one other soul on earth.
This morning, while hitting the snooze button one more time, I felt the need to put down in words (as best I can) my feelings of late. Maybe faith can only grow from doubt. Otherwise it is merely empty knowledge. Maybe I have become too arrogant. Maybe God wants to see me completely humbled before lifting me up again. If so, I am now at the humblest point in my life. God, it’s me—can you hear me?
Last year, I also began doing what I grew up doing—praying. For months I prayed more than I ever have in my life. I kept thanking the Lord for my health, for my loved ones (my greatest blessing) and that I am not homeless or hungry. I also kept asking the Lord for guidance and direction and just one opportunity for a more fulfilling job here in New York City. I promised God in prayer that I would work on being a better person. It seemed that my prayers were useless. Though I have long believed in my heart, after careful reading of the Bible, that homosexuality is not a sin, I examined that question again and wondered if my beliefs are wrong about that. Would that cause God to ignore my prayers? Would trying to be straight change things? (That examination resulted in the conclusion, again, that homosexuality is not a sin.) I even promised that I would stop buying lottery tickets (gambling is a sin, you know). Then I had a Crisis of Faith. I decided to cast caution to the wind. I bought a lottery ticket on a recent Sunday. It was the first time I had bought a lottery ticket in months. I bought another the Saturday following. And another the day after. I felt abandoned by my Lord. I suppose my behavior toward God since the crisis began led me to lash out like a child might do to get his parents’ attention. Yes, I was pouting.
But as the Bible teaches us to do, I am now making my public confession. My transgressions far outnumber buying lottery tickets, though. That is just an example. I have sinned against God and trespassed against others. God has forgiven me because I have asked and His promise is that He forgives. Now I must hope that those here on earth whom I have trespassed against also forgive me.
My mother and many in my family have told me that whatever it is I am seeking, God would provide—in His time. Many in my family have also told me that they continue to pray for me. Why is prayer failing this time? Not counting my prayers, why is God also ignoring all these other people who lead lives that are far more righteous than mine? Why am I missing the simplest of things my heart desires while seeing those same blessings given to others in overwhelming amounts, even those who don't ask? It makes me a little jealous, I confess—which is another sin, of course. I am not greedy, though. I don’t ask to be a millionaire. I just want to pay my bills, enjoy going to work, and share joyous times with loved ones.
I have since returned to prayer, praying even more than I did before my Crisis of Faith. I have only articulated my thoughts about my Crisis of Faith to one other soul on earth.
This morning, while hitting the snooze button one more time, I felt the need to put down in words (as best I can) my feelings of late. Maybe faith can only grow from doubt. Otherwise it is merely empty knowledge. Maybe I have become too arrogant. Maybe God wants to see me completely humbled before lifting me up again. If so, I am now at the humblest point in my life. God, it’s me—can you hear me?
posted by Michael Vernon at Monday, March 05, 2007
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