Snakes, Spiders and Rats
I suspect that for many people, their greatest fear is encountering one of the critters listed above. I have seen results of many surveys that claim the biggest fear of most people is speaking in public. However, I find the those surveys to be lacking, statistically speaking.
For me, my biggest fear is the fear of abandonment. After lots of introspection, I have concluded that many of my behaviors betray that fear of abandonment. I believe that this fear was ingrained in me from early childhood. My father would leave home for weeks at a time. I couldn't reconcile these departures within my developing psyche. The final abandonment came about 10 or 15 years ago. (I have repressed the actual year, I suppose.) After a period of estrangement, he had invited me to his house on Christmas Day for lunch. I showed up and no one was there. Not his new wife I had never met (my stepmother?!?!?!). Not his new stepchildren I had never met (my stepbrothers?!?!?!). No one. My own father had once again abandoned me. He would never get another opportunity. That was my promise to myself and I have been faithful to that promise.
At some point, I had confessed this fear to my partner in my last relationship. And he used this fear to deeply hurt me during difficult times. That was one of many reasons that relationship did not last.
Aside from my own insecurities, my fear of abandonment causes me to hurt others. For that I am very sorry and deeply regretful. You see, as someone gets closer to me, I tend to pull away or build up walls to make sure I am not at risk of being hurt again. The paradox is that I am doing to others what I am afraid of happening to me.
In the beginning of my relationship with the Good Nurse, I tried to push him away with phone calls telling him that I didn't think we would last long term, so we should end things now and just be friends. When he would ask why, my reasons would be either dubious or nonexistent. So he just refused to let things end.
I am working very hard to change the parts of my behavior that hurt others. It is a difficult and long-term project. But that is no excuse for not trying. As the old proverb goes, the longest journey begins with a single step. I have already walked a great distance. That motivates me to travel even further.
Oh, I am afraid of one other thing: phone calls that read "out of area" on caller ID. But that one is simply out of my control.
For me, my biggest fear is the fear of abandonment. After lots of introspection, I have concluded that many of my behaviors betray that fear of abandonment. I believe that this fear was ingrained in me from early childhood. My father would leave home for weeks at a time. I couldn't reconcile these departures within my developing psyche. The final abandonment came about 10 or 15 years ago. (I have repressed the actual year, I suppose.) After a period of estrangement, he had invited me to his house on Christmas Day for lunch. I showed up and no one was there. Not his new wife I had never met (my stepmother?!?!?!). Not his new stepchildren I had never met (my stepbrothers?!?!?!). No one. My own father had once again abandoned me. He would never get another opportunity. That was my promise to myself and I have been faithful to that promise.
At some point, I had confessed this fear to my partner in my last relationship. And he used this fear to deeply hurt me during difficult times. That was one of many reasons that relationship did not last.
Aside from my own insecurities, my fear of abandonment causes me to hurt others. For that I am very sorry and deeply regretful. You see, as someone gets closer to me, I tend to pull away or build up walls to make sure I am not at risk of being hurt again. The paradox is that I am doing to others what I am afraid of happening to me.
In the beginning of my relationship with the Good Nurse, I tried to push him away with phone calls telling him that I didn't think we would last long term, so we should end things now and just be friends. When he would ask why, my reasons would be either dubious or nonexistent. So he just refused to let things end.
I am working very hard to change the parts of my behavior that hurt others. It is a difficult and long-term project. But that is no excuse for not trying. As the old proverb goes, the longest journey begins with a single step. I have already walked a great distance. That motivates me to travel even further.
Oh, I am afraid of one other thing: phone calls that read "out of area" on caller ID. But that one is simply out of my control.
posted by Michael Vernon at Monday, December 11, 2006
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