Saturday, December 30, 2006

Before and After

This is the creek where I was Baptized many years ago in rural Kentucky. It's not likely to be germane to you, but I just love how the picture turned out. I was on a country drive last Wednesday morning around 7:30am when I couldn't resist taking a quick snapshot.

Me, Spring 1989.

Me, December 26, 2006.

A few more gray hairs, a few more pounds, but still that cutting edge fashion sense!

This Christmas holiday was the best I can remember. Now that I am back in New York City, I have enough warm and wonderful memories to last me until next December!

Friday, December 22, 2006

A Hunger That Mere Food Won't Satisfy

Ever wanted something so much, so badly, so passionately that doing without it hurts to the very core of your heart, your soul and your mind?

I have been feeling that kind of longing for the past several weeks, with doubts about whether I would actually make it home to Kentucky for Christmas. I miss my mommy. I also miss my other family members, but the bond with my mother is extremely strong. The bond has been stretched this year. I have only seen her a couple of times, which is unusual.

In a recent conversation, she asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told her that the gift of spending time with her and my other kin folk in Kentucky was far more valuable to me than anything material. God willing, I will be home for Christmas. My flight is scheduled for 6am on Monday morning.

For the past several years, I have had a recurring dream of being in an airplane that is taking off. After liftoff, the plane never gets more than a few feet off the ground because of power lines or bridges or other obstacles. Last night, though, that airplane of my dreams soared high without any hindrance. Dream interpretation is not a strength of mine, so I have no idea what this means. But I woke up, smiled at the change in my subconscious and went back to sleep. It was some of the best sleep I have had in recent memory.

I'll be home for Christmas. Not just in my dreams. And come December 30, I'll be back in New York, ready for a new year that must be better than this one. It certainly couldn't be worse.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Magnetism of the Big Apple

Around 3 weeks ago, I received a call about a job that would require me to leave New York City. The Good Nurse and I had talked it over. And over. And over. The location of the position would be flexible as long as I was based west of the Mississippi. We decided on San Diego. This was not just a casual call--but one from someone I know well and have known for years. He said, "I want you. And this position must be filled fast." So there was a 99% chance that this was real and this would happen, and I would be living in San Diego by the end of January.

When anyone makes a decision, it is often irrevocable. This time it was not. Not more than a few days ago, I withdrew my name from consideration for this position. It's a very difficult thing to do--to decline an opportunity offered by someone who knows me well, has worked with me, and wants to hire me. (I stood up for him at his wedding.)

Maybe one day I will be ready to leave New York City. But today is not that day.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Odd Statement of the Day

"...Alaska is kind of like one big small town anyway."

Title Wave Books Co-owner Julie Drake, as quoted in Shelf Awareness, an industry newsletter for people who work in the book business (and their admirers).

Monday, December 11, 2006

Snakes, Spiders and Rats

I suspect that for many people, their greatest fear is encountering one of the critters listed above. I have seen results of many surveys that claim the biggest fear of most people is speaking in public. However, I find the those surveys to be lacking, statistically speaking.

For me, my biggest fear is the fear of abandonment. After lots of introspection, I have concluded that many of my behaviors betray that fear of abandonment. I believe that this fear was ingrained in me from early childhood. My father would leave home for weeks at a time. I couldn't reconcile these departures within my developing psyche. The final abandonment came about 10 or 15 years ago. (I have repressed the actual year, I suppose.) After a period of estrangement, he had invited me to his house on Christmas Day for lunch. I showed up and no one was there. Not his new wife I had never met (my stepmother?!?!?!). Not his new stepchildren I had never met (my stepbrothers?!?!?!). No one. My own father had once again abandoned me. He would never get another opportunity. That was my promise to myself and I have been faithful to that promise.

At some point, I had confessed this fear to my partner in my last relationship. And he used this fear to deeply hurt me during difficult times. That was one of many reasons that relationship did not last.

Aside from my own insecurities, my fear of abandonment causes me to hurt others. For that I am very sorry and deeply regretful. You see, as someone gets closer to me, I tend to pull away or build up walls to make sure I am not at risk of being hurt again. The paradox is that I am doing to others what I am afraid of happening to me.

In the beginning of my relationship with the Good Nurse, I tried to push him away with phone calls telling him that I didn't think we would last long term, so we should end things now and just be friends. When he would ask why, my reasons would be either dubious or nonexistent. So he just refused to let things end.

I am working very hard to change the parts of my behavior that hurt others. It is a difficult and long-term project. But that is no excuse for not trying. As the old proverb goes, the longest journey begins with a single step. I have already walked a great distance. That motivates me to travel even further.

Oh, I am afraid of one other thing: phone calls that read "out of area" on caller ID. But that one is simply out of my control.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Barbershop Ramblings. . .

"You have a beautiful face. I think we will do very well with this. Oh yes, we will make you even more handsome than you already are."

So started the gentleman as he prepared to give me a weeks-overdue haircut. After a long and stressful day, this flattery energized me in a way I didn't realize I needed.

"You look like a movie star. Are you an actor?"
"Have you ever been to Moscow?"
"Do you plan to go?"
"If you do go to Moscow, go to the Diplomat Hotel in Red Square. Tell them I sent you. They will treat you like a king."

"Your haircut is coming along so nicely."

"I am 67 years old. I have been married for 42 years. I have five children."
"How old are you?"
"Ohhhhh. . .you are so young."

"Do you have any children?"
"Are you married?"

"You need a nice Russian girl. I can introduce you to the most beautiful blue-eyed Russian girl you will ever meet. And so sweet are the Russian girls."

"Come back in two weeks. You have waited too long between haircuts."

There were a couple of final formalities to end this haircutting experience. First, the barber applied a little Witch Hazel to the back of my neck where he had shaved it smooth. The second was putting shaving cream into my hair.

"For a wonderful smell. The ladies will love it."

I didn't have the heart to tell him that as soon as I get home from a haircut, the first thing I do is take a shower. If I don't, little pieces of hair make their way under my collar and itch me so much that scratching is a waste of time. But I did pick up a wonderful new trick. Use scented shaving cream to make your hair smell nice and clean. After all, maybe the ladies will love it.

Monday, December 04, 2006

"Wait a minute...I have a penny."

Here is just one good reason to get rid of pennies in the US: old people who hold up lines at pharmacies, grocery stores, delis and any other place that takes cash by uttering those magic words: "I have a penny!"

Lately, it doesn't seem to matter how much the total is. $3.56? "I have a penny!" That one is understandable. $11.15: "I have a penny!" But WHY?

I grew up being taught to respect our elders. I still practice that teaching. So instead of getting angry or frustrated or delayed, let's just eliminate pennies from US currency. Yes, I believe that would give us the greatest increase in productivity since the widespread use of computers.